Who We're Apologizing to Today
11:00 a.m.:
Mexico (1) for Insensitive hegemonistic criticism of "Memin Pinguin" cartoon character, who is drawn in picaninny style, but it's really OK because this is Mexico and only Americans are racists.
Barbary Pirates for U.S. sailors captured and enslaved in raids on the high seas who escaped to freedom rather than going through proper international legal channels.
Ottawa Tribe for Figurehead of Chief Pontiac on old hood ornaments.
12:00 p.m.:
Spain for The Adams-Onis Treaty of 1819.
Mexico (2) for The Gadsden Purchase. They sold it. We paid for it. That doesn't make it right.
Iran for "Iron Sheik" heel character in 1980s World Wrestling Federation.
Mr. Cartelli & 8th grade chem for That Pamela Peaks "Hustler" centerfold taped to the rolled-up table of the elements that he always pulled open with a flourish in front of the class.
1 p.m.:
France (1) for calling them "Freedom Fries."
France (2) for calling them "French Fries."
Czechoslovakia for misspelled country's name in 1923 Dept. of Commerce publication.
Burma for Probably said something about it when drunk. Don't really remember, but just to be safe.
Iraq for U.S. Army private accidently splashed his unclean infidel blood on the wall of a mosque while getting blown up defending the market next door from a jihadi suicide bomber.
2 p.m.:
Canada for all those gullible, rich Americans who promised to move there after November 2004 but still haven't shown up.
3 p.m.:
Georgia for borrowing country's name without permission; using it on U.S. state with lousy football team.
Belgium for dust from World Trade Center collapse on Sept. 11 got all over U.N. ambassador's limo, scratched paint job.
Russia (1) for Bobby Fischer.
Russia (2) for Yakov Smirnoff jokes.
4 p.m.:
Guinea-Bissau for 1750 revocation of the Assiento.
Brazil for Continental drift. Break-up of Gondwanaland.
Mexico (1) for Insensitive hegemonistic criticism of "Memin Pinguin" cartoon character, who is drawn in picaninny style, but it's really OK because this is Mexico and only Americans are racists.
Barbary Pirates for U.S. sailors captured and enslaved in raids on the high seas who escaped to freedom rather than going through proper international legal channels.
Ottawa Tribe for Figurehead of Chief Pontiac on old hood ornaments.
12:00 p.m.:
Spain for The Adams-Onis Treaty of 1819.
Mexico (2) for The Gadsden Purchase. They sold it. We paid for it. That doesn't make it right.
Iran for "Iron Sheik" heel character in 1980s World Wrestling Federation.
Mr. Cartelli & 8th grade chem for That Pamela Peaks "Hustler" centerfold taped to the rolled-up table of the elements that he always pulled open with a flourish in front of the class.
1 p.m.:
France (1) for calling them "Freedom Fries."
France (2) for calling them "French Fries."
Czechoslovakia for misspelled country's name in 1923 Dept. of Commerce publication.
Burma for Probably said something about it when drunk. Don't really remember, but just to be safe.
Iraq for U.S. Army private accidently splashed his unclean infidel blood on the wall of a mosque while getting blown up defending the market next door from a jihadi suicide bomber.
2 p.m.:
Canada for all those gullible, rich Americans who promised to move there after November 2004 but still haven't shown up.
3 p.m.:
Georgia for borrowing country's name without permission; using it on U.S. state with lousy football team.
Belgium for dust from World Trade Center collapse on Sept. 11 got all over U.N. ambassador's limo, scratched paint job.
Russia (1) for Bobby Fischer.
Russia (2) for Yakov Smirnoff jokes.
4 p.m.:
Guinea-Bissau for 1750 revocation of the Assiento.
Brazil for Continental drift. Break-up of Gondwanaland.
Labels: Satire
