Yo, Iran!
Can you believe this shit? Courtesy of Ambivablog, comes this report from an "Intelligence Summit in Washington, D.C.," at which a knowledgeable military man listed American "cities targeted by Iran, Al Qaida et al for simultaneous nuclear detonation." The reporter caught New York, D.C., L.A., Chicago, Houston "and one I didn't hear," but the speaker noted particularly it was "not Philadelphia."
"It was not clear how he knew this or whether he was simply engaging in educated speculation."
Speculation, be damned. My hometown Does. Not. Need. This. Crap. I'll come to the point, President Ahmadinejad: I want us on that list. Yesterday.
We got pride. We got ego on the line here. We got braggin' rights to fight for. We've had to live with the Eagles jokes and the '64 Phillies. We took it from W.C. Fields, because he was one of us. We're not going to take this from you, Iran.
Houston. Again with the Houston. You have no idea what it did to this town in the '80s to get passed by Houston as the fourth-most-populous city in the United States. How we writhed and juggled and played with the numbers to hold that position, in vain.
You wanna dis us for HOUSTON? Lemme tell you, we're better than Houston. We got better beer than Houston. We're fatter than Houston (at least we used to be). Did Elton John write a song titled "Houston Freedom?" I think not.
Michael Reynolds, in the comments on Amivablog, gives the comment a perspective and rounds out the lucky six: "The Philadelphia comment was in the context of a joke because one of the speakers grew up there. It had no relevance to Vallele's comments on targetted cities. They were LA, Chicago, NY, DC, Houston and Miami."
Mia... Don't. Just don't even get me started.
Look, Iran, Iran. I'm going to make it easy on you, buddy. I'm going to give you three good reasons why we deserve to be on your hit list. Just take these to your mullahs and explain. I'm sure they'll see the light. You're playing this dull game of footsie with the U.N. and when you finally win it you're going to waste one of those costly puppies on Houston? What are you, some kinda maroon?
Philadelphia is a town that has been actively courting gay tourism. You hate that, right? Behead them? We got lots of them!
You hate infidel Western music, too, right? Well, we got right here for your thermonuclear pleasure, the very ground zero of Western pop devil music. Yes, in fact, I am talking about The Mario Lanza Museum.
And number three? Ah, number three, well, if you fuck with the letters, you can make it spell INPHIDELPHIA
Take my word for it, bro, it's a sign from Allah.
Fellow Fluffians! What do we want? "Simultaneous nuclear detonation!"
Stand up for your right to get bombed. Send your letters and petitions to Interest Section of the Islamic Republic of Iran
2209 Wisconsin Avenue, N.W.
Washington, D.C. 20007
"It was not clear how he knew this or whether he was simply engaging in educated speculation."
Speculation, be damned. My hometown Does. Not. Need. This. Crap. I'll come to the point, President Ahmadinejad: I want us on that list. Yesterday.
Well, ya see, sir I unnerstand you're lookin' for sparrin' partners for Apollo, and I jus' want ta let ya know that I am very available.
We got pride. We got ego on the line here. We got braggin' rights to fight for. We've had to live with the Eagles jokes and the '64 Phillies. We took it from W.C. Fields, because he was one of us. We're not going to take this from you, Iran.
Houston. Again with the Houston. You have no idea what it did to this town in the '80s to get passed by Houston as the fourth-most-populous city in the United States. How we writhed and juggled and played with the numbers to hold that position, in vain.
You wanna dis us for HOUSTON? Lemme tell you, we're better than Houston. We got better beer than Houston. We're fatter than Houston (at least we used to be). Did Elton John write a song titled "Houston Freedom?" I think not.
Adrian: Einstein flunked out of school, twice.
Paulie: Is that so?
Adrian: Yeah. Beethoven was deaf. Helen Keller was blind. I think Rocky's got a good chance.
Michael Reynolds, in the comments on Amivablog, gives the comment a perspective and rounds out the lucky six: "The Philadelphia comment was in the context of a joke because one of the speakers grew up there. It had no relevance to Vallele's comments on targetted cities. They were LA, Chicago, NY, DC, Houston and Miami."
Mia... Don't. Just don't even get me started.
Look, Iran, Iran. I'm going to make it easy on you, buddy. I'm going to give you three good reasons why we deserve to be on your hit list. Just take these to your mullahs and explain. I'm sure they'll see the light. You're playing this dull game of footsie with the U.N. and when you finally win it you're going to waste one of those costly puppies on Houston? What are you, some kinda maroon?
Philadelphia is a town that has been actively courting gay tourism. You hate that, right? Behead them? We got lots of them!
You hate infidel Western music, too, right? Well, we got right here for your thermonuclear pleasure, the very ground zero of Western pop devil music. Yes, in fact, I am talking about The Mario Lanza Museum.
And number three? Ah, number three, well, if you fuck with the letters, you can make it spell INPHIDELPHIA
Take my word for it, bro, it's a sign from Allah.
Ah come on, Adrian, it's true. I was nobody. But that don't matter either, you know? 'Cause I was thinkin', it really don't matter if I lose this fight. It really don't matter if this guy opens my head, either. 'Cause all I wanna do is go the distance. Nobody's ever gone the distance with Creed, and if I can go that distance, you see, and that bell rings and I'm still standin', I'm gonna know for the first time in my life, see, that I weren't just another bum from the neighborhood.
Fellow Fluffians! What do we want? "Simultaneous nuclear detonation!"
Stand up for your right to get bombed. Send your letters and petitions to Interest Section of the Islamic Republic of Iran
2209 Wisconsin Avenue, N.W.
Washington, D.C. 20007
