Sunday, December 04, 2005

Worst Christmas Song Ever


Jen(nifer) posts her three choices for all-time worst Christmas song.

I don't have a three worst songs. I have one song that I'd nominate for all three position. "Happy Holidays/It's the Holiday Season," sung (and written?) by Andy Williams, the robotic '60s easy listening singer with the eyes of a James Bond villain. He's a passable crooner. It's not Andy that's the problem here; it's these lyrics.

I must have forgotten this song, if I ever knew it. Because a couple of years ago someone in my office started singing it, and I said, "nuh-uh, that's not a real song." It couldn't be. It's just too terrible. No self-respecting lyricist would publish these words. Hell, you wouldn't even hand them in for an eight-grade poetry writing assignment that you forgot about until homeroom.

It's the holiday season, and Santa Claus is comin round,
the Chiristmas snow is white on the ground,
When old Santa gets into town,
he'll be comin down the chimney down!
(he'll be comin down the chimney down!)

"Comin' down the chimney down"? What language is that? What, they couldn't think of another word that rhymed with "-own," so they said "down" twice in the same sentence, rendering the whole thing complete nonsense -- and then repeated it for effect.

I mean, sure, a bad poet will reach for a lame word for the sake of a rhyme. But this second down has no other point, no other reason to exist, except to round out a line that ends in one of the commonest rhyme-sounds in English!

How lame is that?

It's the holiday season,
so whoop-dee doo ...

This was the line that made me go "nuh-uh." That's not lyrics. That's the kind of thing a drunken karaoke lout blurts out when he can't remember what the real lyrics are.

... and dickory-dock, ...

::rolls eyes:: Mr. Karaoke hasn't got the lyrical thread back yet. More nonsense words. Come on, snap out of it!

... and don't forget to hang up your sock, ...

::sound of needle dragging across grooved vinyl:: OK, hold it right there. Right there. This is not a song. I don't know what it is, some sort of ADHD rant by a kid who just ate his entire stocking full of candy by 9 a.m. on Christmas.

Hang up your "sock," for crissakes? That's not even a viable synonym for "stocking" in the Christmas sense, and the whole reason it's in there is to rhyme with a nonsense word (dickory-dock) that has nothing to do with Christmas or this song either.

And of course, the verse ends -- again -- with

cause just exactly at 12'o'clock,
he'll be comin down the chimney down,
he'll be comin down the chimney down

Every time I hear this musical assault on the holidays I want to do something violent to someone who had a hand in producing it. But none of them is ever around. So if you see a big long-haired trollish-looking man walking around wearing a radio on one foot, you'll know what happened.