EU: Monkey at fault in Monkey-Eating Incident

A European Union investigation into the unfortunate incident in which "the harmony was temporarily disturbed" at a zoo in the Netherlands has issued its report. The report concludes, in part:

In the alleged eating incident, the bears simply were following their cultural right to behave as bears, while the monkey was cuplable for existing in the same space as the bears without sufficient sensitivity to the fact that monkeys are crunchy and good with a salad.

The EU, while calling the temporary harmony disturbance "regrettable" and repeating its request that the bears acknowledge the monkey's right to exist, also deplored the monkeyism policy, whereby monkeys behave like monkeys and do all sorts of things bears are incapable of doing, whereby bears are made to feel inferior and resentful.

"Monkeyism is racism," the report's author said. The report affirmed that monkey behaviors simply perpetuate a "cycle of violence" whereby monkeys exist and bears eat them. "There is no justification for the monkey not adjusting its needs to the cultural imperatives of bears to temporarily disturb harmonies and digest small primates."

In response to the incident, the EU has ordered monkeys to attend sensitivity training, on penalty of heavy fines, and granted generous welfare allowances to all bears, stating unequivocally that global poverty is the sole cause of monkey-eating.

The bears reportedly have used the subsidies to purchase rolls of Tums and thousands of paperback copies of "Killing and Eating Monkeys for Dummies." The EU also has set up a standing committee of 150 on "Temporary Harmony Disturbances" and congratulated itself for solving the problem without resorting to hegemonistic, unilateral American-style cowboy tactics.