Rosie Outlook

[posted by Callimachus]

Quick! Burn the manuals and file the serial numbers off the hardware. Pick up your passports at the safe house and scatter for the tropics. Our cover's been blown.

It seems I'm not telling you anything you don't already know when I say that my editors and I — indeed, the entire Right — are afraid of the truth about 9/11 for one simple reason: We helped Bush and Cheney plan the attacks. A full, non-partisan study, as opposed to the sham 9/11 Commission report, would implicate me and a long list of other conservative pundits (Goldberg, Will, even little Ben Shapiro) in the controlled demolition that brought down the twin towers and the Oscar-Meyer Weinermobile filled with explosives (that's right — look closer) that we paid some homeless guy to ram into the side of the
Pentagon.

Why did we do it? Oil. Cheney promised us a cut of Halliburton's profits from its no-bid contracts in Iraq, so we all worked together on 9/11 to give Bush an excuse to start the war he was planning all along. Naturally, the American sheeple took the bait, and now I can afford the things I've always wanted, like a Hummer made of solid gold and trips to outer space with N'Sync's Lance Bass.

Why am I telling you all this? Simple. By sending me this e-mail, I'm afraid you signed your own ticket to Guantanamo Bay. Thanks to the Patriot Act, a secret 9/11 Cover-Up Team deep within the bowels of the FBI automatically receives a high-priority alert anytime someone sends an e-mail containing the words "AFRAID", "NON-PARTISAN" and "LIED" in all caps; it's a clear sign that the sender has learned the truth about 9/11.

So you see, I can tell you all about my involvement in 9/11 because by the time you get this e-mail, the 9/11 Cover-Up Team (911-CUT) will already be knocking on your door.

Pity. I thought someone as clever as you would have figured out the FBI's keyword algorithm a long time ago.

Damn that Rosie.

Confession time: Rosie attended Dickinson College at the same time I did, a class behind mine, but left before graduating. A dear friend of mine in college was a floor-mate of Rosie and only ever said good things about her. I believe, though I can't confirm this, Rosie was in the 101 astronomy course when I was the TA in the observatory. That means I may be partially responsible for her science education. If this is true, I will stand up to be stoned. Hell, I'll get stoned even if it turns out not to be true.