The Best Defense

[posted by Callimachus]

McClatchy's Matthew Schofield goes to great lengths to craft a multi-sourced article to attempt to answer the question, "why do terrorists target Britain?" Seriously. Too bad I can't find this one online yet.

Actually, the title could have been, "why aren't they attacking America, like they should be?" It's McClatchy, after all.

Yet England isn't the Great Satan to al-Qaida extremists. Terrorism experts all agree that for al-Qaida operatives and sympathizers, the preferred villain is the United States.

So why do attacks keep happening here? And why, since the horror of Sept. 11, has America avoided another assault?

He finds Karl-Heinz Kamp, "the security policy coordinator at Germany's prestigious Konrad Adenauer Foundation," to offer an explanation:

"The U.S. has a historical advantage; America is still the land of opportunity to the whole world. The people moving there believe the American dream of social mobility," he said. "In Europe, we've historically treated our immigrants as hired help, and waited for them to finish the work they arrived for and go home."

Hell, Matthew could have saved himself a lot of trouble, and let Karl-Heinz sleep late, if he'd just read the Onion:

SAN CLEMENTE, CA—Five years after settling in southern California and trying to blend into American society, a six-man terrorist cell connected to the militant Islamist organization Army of Martyrs has reportedly grown too complacent to conduct its suicide mission, an attack on the San Onofre Nuclear Generating Station.

...

"We remain wholly committed to the destruction of America, the Great Satan," al-Sharif said. "But now is not a good time for us. The season finale of Lost was such a cliff- hanger that we have to at least catch the first episode of the new season. After that, though, death to the infidels."

...

"Five a.m. is when the facility is most vulnerable to attack, when the morning shift security personnel replace the overnight crew," said Adib Dhakwan, the cell's second-in-command. "Unfortunately, Starbucks doesn't open until six, and I don't know about you, but if I don't have that first cup of coffee, forget it."

Despite the terrorists' successful assimilation into American society, the FBI has been monitoring the activities of the "San Clemente Six" since late 2005. According to declassified intelligence documents, the cell's status was recently downgraded to "low risk," due in part to a near absence of cell phone chatter to parties other than Moviefone, and last month's online purchase of a hammock.